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I haven't forgotten about getting back to the Dr. Beck program countdown. Things have been really busy and my diet has been going great.

I've lost another 3 lbs.! Yessss!

And I've noticed that I am not stressing about my diet one bit. I've made a couple adjustments to my plan from what I did last year and the weight is coming off slower, but I am not stressing at all.

Actually, there was one time this week I caught myself grazing and I was able to stop it very easily. And I physically felt sick afterward from the food. This is amazing. I am actually craving the foods I am supposed to eat now.

So it is true what Dr. Beck says that with persistence and acceptance of this life style you stop fighting it and all the conflict and angst goes away. Well, so far I have been busy enough that it has kept itself away. As long as I keep losing pounds I am happy!

I haven't been posting, but I've been on the Beck program. Am getting into the groove with a lot of diversions. It is paying off. I get on the scale every day to help keep me on track, but I am only recording my weight once a week.

Loss this week: 5 lbs.

It was a very rough week, but I still managed to lose weight. I feel wonderful!

Reviewing DAY 21 I already feel at home with this as I am weighing in every day. It is a huge step for me to do this as I used to not get on the scale at all. It absolutely, positively motivates me to be brave enough to get on it once a day. If I lose weight, fine. If not, fine -- I'll keep making the adjustments in food and attitude until I do lose. And not beat myself up about it. Currently, things are very copacetic.

Reviewing DAY 20 I am happy to report that I have been consistently doing this all week: acknowledging the slip, getting back to the plan, NOT beating myself up about it, and continuing to eat normally. I have been doing this and it feels great! And it is WORKING as my daily weigh-ins are proving to me. I am a person who needs to see the scale to keep going. I used to avoid the scale at all costs. You couldn't get me near one. So it is a big deal for me to get on it once a day (which Dr. Beck says is okay, just so it is ONLY ONCE a day). It is so important to know where I am in all this, and it really does motivate me.

Reviewing DAY 19 I realize this assignment came right in time! I have been slowly starting to make excuses for eating a little more or eating something not on my plan. I have been warding most of those urges off though, and I like that she emphasizes the fact that rarely do people put food in their mouths without thinking about it first. Whenever you start to rationalize that it is "Okay" to put something not on your plan into your mouth you are fooling yourself and you need to stop it at that thought and not go any further.

She says to make a "It's Not Okay" response card. What I have been doing, though, this week is getting on the scale. I am losing weight and instead of using the loss as an excuse to give in it instead gives me the mental and emotional boost I need to NOT give in. I want to see the scale go down!

Reviewing DAY 18 one thing sticks out for me. I really do know how to stop eating at meals when I feel full. Mealtime is no problem for me.

My problem is eating between meals. I did okay with that today without too much stress. I did eat some things not on my plan. However, I am very, very proud of myself that none of it went overboard and I was able to make an adjustment for it by the end of the day, still noting that and recognizing what happened and fully determined to keep trying.

My two new mantras are really saving me: I don't have to give into cravings to make them disappear, and by not giving into a craving I will weaken the intensity and frequency of cravings These are really helping a lot and I know the more I use them the more they will become a part of me.

I just realized that I am sort of treating the process as an unfolding journey this time. It is not a quick fix. I am being more kind to myself because at some level now I am realizing this is a lifestyle change I am making that will become PERMANENT. So I am not too critical of myself now, just observing what happens as I try what flies and what doesn't and making immediate readjustments. I am much more at peace with this process now than I was before and that makes me very happy.

Reviewing DAY 17 I am happy to write that I automatically did what the assignment was before reading this. I not only put aside food on my plate for later, but I also did not finish all that was on my plate after I had done that.

I also notice in my review that back then I had a rant about macaroni and cheese. I can't remember the last time we had macaroni and cheese now. Grilled cheese sandwiches off and on, but it has been almost a year since we last had macaroni and cheese. I crave it sometimes now as I really like it, but the last time I remember having it was at a fancy restaurant last December (that's LAST year!). It was gourmet macaroni and cheese and I honestly didn't know there was such a thing but it was the best I'd ever tasted. So maybe I'll have that again for my birthday this year two months from now.

Right now I am wondering how I will survive the "Eating Season" which officially starts with all the Halloween goodies and continues on through the New Year celebration. Yikes! Santa cookies! I'm doomed! But I am also on a mission to lose weight. Back to reading my response cards!

Today went okay! Actually, the meals went okay. My only trouble spots are what happens at snack time between meals. Went off a bit there, but got it under control with nothing like the trauma on Monday so that is a good thing and I am very happy about that!

Reviewing DAY 16 makes me wish this day had been yesterday! I think I needed today's lesson more yesterday than I did today. Today went really well. Yesterday was a nightmare. Today I was more focused and centered on diversions. At one point I had to stop and FORCE myself to eat because I had missed my planned meal time. Although, knowing what I went through yesterday I don't think the NO CHOICE assignment for DAY 16 would have helped. I was telling myself NO CHOICE and went nuts. The day actually ended well yesterday as I was able to make some last minute adjustments to my evening meal that helped. So I feel very good about that.

Also, before getting up today I practiced deep breathing. Deep breathing down into the third chakra (solar plexus/abdomen) prevents the fight or flight syndrome, the body releases no adrenaline, and I honestly think that helped me tremendously. I started the day relaxed with no stress. Got busy, altered my food plan somewhat so I wouldn't go nuts and that worked, so will probably keep that as a permanent adjustment. We'll see how it goes. One day at a time.

Reviewing DAY 15 I am sort of middle of the road today. By that I mean half the day has gone well and the other half the day has been borderline frantic. I have been monitoring my eating all day though which is the assignment. Distractions are working 75% of the time right now, which is GOOD! The other 25% I gave in, but just a little. I almost feel like I'm in drug withdrawal or something right now, the urge to eat is so strong. I know that I am not hungry, so I am going to go drink something, probably two things, something hot and something cold. Right now I feel like chasing myself around the room. I am trusting that working through this things will get better and easier (looking at my two new "mantras" from the other day).

Reviewing DAY 14 I feel about the same. Tomorrow is D-Day! The day I start my diet. I have been sort of doing this these past two weeks, but not really planning for tomorrow. Well, yes, the meals have been planned but I haven't been planning my snacks. I've given myself way too much freedom there. Tomorrow is my first recorded weigh-in.

I've got meal and snack options lined up so I'm ready to go. Actually, I have whole day menus I've written up as well.

Here we go!

P.S. But I must admit I am a little scared. It's the craving thing again mixed with the anger it unleashes. Diversion, diversion, diversion. I'm keeping my "Diversion" list front and foremost. I'm carrying it around with me. I'm locked and loaded, with a six-shooter water bottle at my side.

P.P.S. Oh, oh, we are so fortunate. Hubby and I were walking around the botanical gardens today (yes, we climbed the steps!) and on the way out we noticed the membership prices had been raised and not by just a little. They've been raised a whole lot! So we inquired about it since our membership doesn't expire until next year and they let us tag on an extra two years at the OLD price! So now we are locked in until the end of November 2011. By then whatever is going to happen with the economy will have happened and hopefully will have sorted itself out. It is just a relief knowing we'll be able to continue walking in this wonderful place every day no matter what's going on on the outside. What a blessing.

Reviewing DAY 13 I realize this is still the hardest for me. The two sentences of Dr. Beck's that stood out in this day's assignment then are the ones that stand out for me now, especially the first one. I really need to get this one into my noodle!

1. "You don't have to give in to cravings to make them disappear." I've got a feeling this is going to become a mantra of mine.

2. "To weaken the intensity and reduce the frequency of cravings, you have to stop giving into them." Okay, I'll give it a shot. Somehow this just didn't sink in the first time through, so if this really is true then this will become another mantra of mine. Anything that will make the process easier to maintain over the long haul I'm all for!

The behavioral techniques she gives to overcome cravings work best for me so I'll repeat them here (comments about the technique are mine):

1. Distance yourself from the food you crave. As in, don't keep it in the house! Or if it is in the house toss it! If hubby wants it have him take it to work!

2. Drink a no-cal or low-calorie beverage. This one is great. For me this means lots of filtered water and green tea. We have a built-in water purifier under our sink so I keep bottles of clear, clean water cold in the fridge and carry one with me everywhere, even in the car. I use those squarish Fiji water bottles because they stand up better and look pretty. People think I'm splurging on some exotic water whereas they are just refilled repeatedly and put into the fridge.

3. Relax. This one I don't know about since I historically relax with food. This can be a trigger if I am not careful. I need more of a diversion than relaxing. Lounging with food is a favorite pastime! Yikes! Unless this means craving because you are stressed and therefore relaxing will take care of it, but usually that just intensifies it for me. So I will probably do better with distractions.

4. Distract yourself. YESSS! This is the one that works best. Go do something else and then you realize at some point that the craving has gone away, which means it isn't real, it is not a need. Which is another way of saying "You don't have to give in to cravings to make them disappear." Told you this was going to be my new mantra!

Reviewing DAY 12 I had to laugh. I practiced hunger tolerance in the middle of the night last night when I woke up and was hungry. I knew it was part of the Beck plan, but again, I did not know when it would be showing up as an assignment. Ha ha. It is today!

The assignment is to actually skip lunch on a busy day (as there will be less triggers). I didn't review this chapter until after I had eaten today so I'll do it tomorrow. I have a busy day planned, so that is fortunate. Also, hubby is cooking pork chops tomorrow night when he gets home from work (he does all the cooking on the weekends -- his hobby) so I'll really be ready to eat by then!

Reviewing DAY 11 I found out something I had forgotten, but ran into back on this go-around back on DAY 2 when I noted that I still felt hungry after I knew I was full, and it turned out to be thirst. I mention that in my original notes for DAY 11, but had totally forgotten about it. So now I know how important this is to remember. Many times hunger is really THIRST for water.

I'm pretty good at differentiating between hunger, desire, and cravings. Desire and cravings have me chasing myself around the room, trying to run away from them until I can find a DIVERSION. Being such an emotional eater for so many years this one still creeps up on me and still needs the most work. I've made some progress with this of which I am happy. But I must honestly say that this is what is also holding me back the most. Because it is so emotional for me I have a hard time letting go of it. This really, really needs the most work. So many other things have fallen into place and have remained in place, but this is the big one that is holding me back. Desires and cravings. I do know that they are not real because they PASS!

I know tools for handling this are coming up, one of which is DIVERSIONS (like writing in this journal, heh, heh), but desire and cravings go deeper than I have been willing to admit. Well, I have admitted it, but have dropped the ball somewhere in handling them. Holidays are the hardest and the holidays are coming up. This should be interesting. I think I will be doing a lot of decorating. At least there are a lot of diversions during the holidays.

Reviewing DAY 10 I realize it is still the shortest chapter ever. The goal is always FIVE POUNDS, no matter how much you have to lose.

I've realized that this isn't as simple as it sounds, probably because I need to lose a lot more! But for right now, it is FIVE POUNDS!!

Reviewing DAY 9 I realize I have made great strides as last year I mentioned I was going to do this and now I do it every day. I walk around the Huntington Library Gardens. My daily path is to go through the camellia gardens, down past the Chinese Garden, through the Japanese Garden, and then UP the steps from the Japanese Garden into the Rose Garden.

Here are the steps I climb every day:



Looking across from the bottom of the steps back toward the Japanese Garden shows lots of up and down staircases and bridges. I walk and climb those regularly too if it is not too hot:



Things are on the move!

Reviewing DAY 8 I realize that hubby and I are already planning and scheduling our weekly menu. Honestly, I had not read ahead and did not know this assignment was next. Wednesday evening hubby and I plan our whole week's menu, not only what we are going to eat, but who is going to do what cooking on what days (he is a wonderful cook and likes full rein in the kitchen, which means when he cooks I'm off doing something else until he says it is ready).

During the week our main meal is at 2:00pm to accommodate his work schedule, so I cook Monday - Wednesday. We eat out on Thursday and make up our next week's menu and shopping list and go grocery shopping Thursday evening when he gets home. We both eat out separately on Friday as I am out of town for my weekly lessons. Saturday and Sunday he cooks all meals and I am banished from the kitchen.

This schedule has evolved over time and is pretty well cemented now and is very easy to live with. Having the main meal at a set afternoon time means lighter meals for breakfast and supper. That's easy for me to plan as our main menu is set a week ahead when we do our shopping. It is really nice doing this together. His office is less than a mile from home, so that makes all of this possible. We love our new home, we are very much little nesters, and we love cooking for each other.

Reviewing DAY 7 I find that the foods that act as emotional triggers for me are the same. My relationship with some of them have changed, however.

I still cannot have ice cream or peanut butter in the house, but I can now have them as a goodie when consumed as a single portion elsewhere. For instance, hubby and I went out on an ice cream date last week. We had a coupon and each got a single serving ice cream with chocolate peanut butter cups mixed in it. It was yummy, but I didn't finish mine. I am getting really good at knowing when to stop, and actually stopping. I knew I could have the rest later. The uneaten portion came home and was in the freezer a couple days before I worked it into my plan as a snack. So it is HUGE for me to realize that I can actually eat a trigger food and handle it, even when part of it comes home. I love how this has worked its way into my strategy. You can have your cake and eat it too. It is all a matter of how much and when.

One big addition to my emotional trigger list though is CHEESE. There are some basic types I can be around and use and eat wisely. Other types, like double creamy gouda and English or Wisconsin sharp cheddar I have to really be careful around. This one makes me sad because cheese is not one of those items you can go out and buy a single portion of very easily! The only thing I can think to do is to test myself periodically and if I can't handle it then whatever is left goes with hubby to the office. Could get expensive though. And I doubt it will be awhile until I can try this out. Even WRITING about cheese is driving me nuts. Time for a diversion...

How about those Engineers and their cats! ("Bring on the dancing cats!" -- Paul Newman's advice to David Letterman during his first show on CBS as I recall. I will miss Paul).

Well, nothing has changed for DAY 6 as hubby and my god daughter are still the two very most supportive influences in my life. The only thing I can add to what I already wrote is that hubby and I are talking strategy on a daily basis now since we both have gotten a bit off track. He is so wonderful.

It still cracks me up that Dr. Beck found this journal. Talk about being mentored by a professional! Brings me much peace of mind, indeed. I'm all smiles.

Reviewing my notes for DAY 5 I don't know what else to add! I feel the same now as I did then.

The only word I have to underscore is the word "grazing." I have actually discussed that word with my hubby a couple times in the past few weeks, identifying it as a problem that needed to be addressed. Grazing is the same as eating un-mindfully. I am real good at "grazing"! I am not a fast eater, but without proper control I could graze all day long. It is comfortable grazing. Maybe it has something to do with immediate and continual satisfaction. Yeah, satisfaction leading to a big butt. Well, no more "buts" about it, I can no longer graze. Moo! Moo!

How can I stop grazing? Make a joke about it and laugh every time it comes up? That would give a positive spin to it. I like to laugh. This could be fun.

Reviewing my notes for DAY 4 I realize I have come a long way from when I first started out, but also have a ways to go. I don't have nearly the the amount of negative talk going on inside me that I used to have. On the other hand, the positive talk needs to be a lot stronger and more consistent. It feels good to realized this. I am really on my way!